on self love and banishing that voice in my head:

I swear I must have like, 1,000 duds in my self portrait folder, because the truth is for every perfectly poised, smiley, polished photo of myself that I've used as an avatar, it takes at least 10-20 attempts for me to get the photo 'just right'.

*I'm having an 'are you kidding me?' moment out loud, right now.

There is nothing 'just right' about me. 

It's not vanity. I have way too many insecurities. Plus, I've shared a shit-ton of photos with my hair tied up, make-up less, wearing my specs, looking all kinds of busted for vanity to even be an issue. I can assure you that avenue has been explored. It's simply not the case here.

Comparison? Possibly. Some of the ladies I follow on Twitter & Instagram are drop dead gorgeous. Women are wired that way: we compare. I will admit that I do, on occasion, size myself up next to so and so and come up as a #fail in the looks department. Have you done this? It's so stupid and infantile, yet still, I allow myself to wallow in that kind of torture every now and then. *Reading this back to myself, I'm having yet another 'are you kidding me' moment.

I see a bunch of girls on instagram, taking pictures of those fabulous boots (I don't know the brand name) but there's at least 20 girls with this same pair of boots. Don't get me wrong, I love those boots. Those are a fabulous pair of boots that I would totally rock with a pair of leggings & a sweater. (I won't call them fierce because they lack heels, but they are close!!) Except that I don't know what they're called or where to buy them - and if I do buy them - will people consider me a wanna-be, a poser, that I'm trying to fit in and look like everyone else? Hence the reason why I haven't even attempted to find out more on the boots. I worry what people think of me. Have you felt like this too? 

While I'm sharing, let me go ahead and add that I'm a people pleaser. (I chalk this one up to being a first born). I'm not passive, I will disagree with you - but I want you to feel comfortable, at all times. And, I really want you to like me. 

So how is this possible if sometimes I don't even like myself?

***

These are some thoughts I'm working on in this long, cold, wintry season in the quiet of my home. I've been meditating a LOT this month and seeking permission from myself to believe that this is completely normal behavior for girls. (We're ladies now, but always girls in our hearts & minds). It's not right or wrong, it just is.

I'm also keeping my heart open to the possibility that it doesn't have to be this way. I can look at you with love & kindness, and choose to give myself the same respect. I can buy those boots because I love them without giving a *#$% what anybody thinks. I can love you, but you don't have to love me back. It's ok, sometimes that happens. It's not my job to please you. I can only offer you myself just as I am, take it or leave it. I have no control over that part.

When it comes to treating myself to pleasurable things like food, travels, objects, or special occasions... I dominate & shine. Seriously, I will own that. It's the truth. I would say I have a good amount of confidence and I am both introverted & extroverted, depending on the situation I'm in.

It's the quiet moments. The moments when I'm all alone and getting real with myself, and all this shit comes up - and I don't like the way it makes me feel - it's fucking exhausting.

I'm working on it. I'm slowly letting it go. I hold my belly and my heart and repeat my mantras. I close my hands together in thanks and recognition and clarity. I see. I see right through my own facade. I will be kinder & gentler to myself. I believe in love, light, and worthiness.. for me and for you. I am deserving.

So that photo up there. It has no filter. My bed is not made. It looks fuzzy because my mirror is dusty. My hair is tied up. I'm wearing my comfy clothes. My face is done up as it usually is, because I was a make-up artist and I love to wear make-up. I've got my big silver hoop earrings on. I'm newly into thumbhole tees. I love them. There was a basket of clothes on the floor that I moved because I didn't want it in the picture. This was one take. A little border was added for proportion to the text in this post. 

I've been thinking a lot about this (and these issues I've shared here are total 1st world problems) I know.. but valid - valid for us as women. I haven't even put a dent in what really goes on in the mind of a woman. 

This is a conversation that I would love to explore further on my own and with you. I will be offering a sort of love note email series on these topics (conversations we have with ourselves) writing real stories, sharing photos, and positive, inspirational mantras for you (and for me). It will be free - and most likely, a twice a month thing. I envisioned this idea yesterday, so it is in the beginning stages and I will share more info with you by next week.

For today, this is enough. I am enough. You are so totally enough. Sending you love and wishing you a wonderful weekend. xo

Comments

[Nanette]

Bella, you are so totally enough..I love all of your self-portraits! Love to see your beautiful face shining back at me! We all suffer from these voices in our head. Thanks for the being the one to actually say them outloud. Wishing you a peaceful day! x

[Tracey]

Oh sweet beautiful darling Bella, you are so much further along than you even realize with such self-awareness and soulful insights. Sadly, a large number of women carry similar voices and pain and can't name it and don't understand it. As a result, they inadvertently take their pain and confusion out on others.

As you step back, silence the voices, and see with new eyes, lovely one, don't you realize how powerful you are? How this journey you're on is leading you to something magnificent, how the suffering you've endured and the healing you're creating is going to help others, so many others too?

I encourage you to know you are right where you are supposed to be, in every way. AND I adore you!

BIG hugs!

[Bella]

Love you, Tracey.
xo

[kristen]

I've been thinking on this A LOT and I come up short in the 'I don't care if you like me" category. Truth is, I want to be liked, included and heard and I think that I've made a lot of excuses and mistakes by mistaking signals and clues because of my desire to fit in.

Slowly, I'm getting better at it. Always a work in progress.

xoxo

PS. i think there's a healthy amount of vanity on my part within the looks department because of getting older. wish it wasn't true, but it is.

[amanda {the habit of being}]

i'm reading this and nodding because, uhm, so guilty of wanting to be liked, wanting things to seem perfect. it is a hard habit to let go of but i'm working on it and apparently i'm in excellent company ;-)

[keishua]

fellow sometimes suffer of the likeness monster as i call it. i love this picture. i would like to get brave about self-portraits. something to look forward to.

[Sassyangelac]

Just thought I would mention that I have had a raging case of girl crush on you since the first click. All your lusciousness and talent and tenderness. Sometimes you take my breath away and I am content to let you keep it.

[michelle gd]

i would love to join in this conversation with you. reading through your post, i kept thinking "yep. yep. uh-huh. check" understanding and feeling all that you've written here. bravo for your soul-searching and your deep sharing.
you are amazing.
xo
and
xo

[somepinkflowers]

{{ what a Fabulous posting ...

no, really,
it is ...
and
who could not relate ??

so honest
it makes me smile
LARGE !!

+ this--->
"""It looks fuzzy because my mirror is dusty."""

thank you
thank you
who has TIME to clean ALL the mirrors in the house ??
not me
when i might be playing with my camera
or my paints ...
not me
not me ...

what a Fabulous posting ...

don't change a thing }}

[Eileen]

I love this so much! I think you ROCK. And as for the boots? Try here: www.infinityshoes.com, Miz Mooz. If you love 'em? Get 'em. There's nothing poser-ish about it.

[cat]

thank you for sharing such honest words, B. I love what you wrote about the boots on instagram! I hear you...

[jennifer deville catalano]

There is so much truth and raw goodness here in your post that I hardly know where to begin. I hear you and I understand completely. I admire where you are and what you're doing. The work is exhausting, yes. But so worth it. And so are you...