disclaimer: this post may produce a few eye rolls & cringes. (and now I know I have your attention). there are a barrage of 'fucks' about to be released with a dash of my opinions on aging & intimacy after 35, etc. i am going there. you've been forewarned. turn away now before your eyeballs burn out of your head.
In October I turned 38. My birthday fell in between the Squam come down high and the preparations for Hurricane Sandy. I didn't celebrate (except for the pet fundraiser I attended that my best friend had organized).
To tell the truth, I wasn't even in the mood for celebrating because I was (and still am) grieving my mom and trying to get through my first birthday without her.
38 is shaping up to be one hell of a great year and I want to celebrate it BIG. There are a few adventures on the agenda, and I will share them as they happen, but today...
Today I want to share what I know to be true about myself after 38 years of living. There was this cute meme on instagram "list 5 random things about you" that I wanted to do but never got around to. Lists are good. They are organized and neat and streamlined in a way that makes sense to me. Here are 38 things I know about me at 38.
1. i am more comfortable in my skin than ever before, and that is because
2. i choose to no longer give a fuck what anybody thinks about my looks - or the clothes i choose to wear - or my luscious and rolly curves
3. because at 38, i will no longer give another ounce of attention to my 'flaws'
4. what are 'flaws' anyway other than our own biased negative views of ourselvess
5. and the beauty in that is - at 38, i finally *get* that i can choose the things i spend my energy thinking and obsessing over
6. so i choose not to care what people think - or if i measure up (to who?).
7. at 38, i can look into the mirror - and not turn away. i'm happy with who is reflected back even with that chicken pox scar on my forehead and that bothersome bump on my nose. i'm happy with me.
8. i can look myself in the eye and believe this: and so it is.
9. and while i believe in modesty, i will never make excuses for the fact that at 38, i can afford to treat myself luxuriously - and i do so because it's a big part of my self care practices.
10. i left my home when i was 18 - and never looked back - and i struggled financially throughout my 20's.
11. so if the me in the mirror looks like she could use a little help around the eyes, you can bet your ass that
12. i will splurge on the best eye cream
13. or cosmetic dentistry
14. without coming from a place of vanity or not enoughness but because
15. at 38, if it makes me happy, i'm treating myself, period.
16. i'm the first child to my parents, so getting here was not easy. i care took and fixed everyone else's problems for a long, long time.
17. in doing so, i neglected myself - until a few years ago.
18. feeling this way and knowing these truths brings up a feeling of liberation, one i have never experienced before.
19. at 38, i am a better mother - sister - friend - lover
20. i am confident enough to make love in the sunlight - in fact i prefer it that way.
21. at 38, i'm tired by 9pm and in bed by 10 so my boo and i have morning dates once the kid is off to school.
22. was that t.m.i? i'm sorry - you were warned!
23. at 38, i'm comfortable talking about sex openly
24. especially with my friends. another huge personal awakening at 38?
25. having my noni waxed for the first time.
26. don't cringe... it's amazing.
27. at 38, i have more empathy and compassion for the human race as a whole
28. and sometimes my heart hurts so badly that i cry for other people's pain and suffering.
29. at 38, i still haven't figured out what i can do to contribute a cause that could help
30. but i am actively working on that.
31. because at 38, i am far from what people might perceive as *perfect*.
32. i no longer believe in the concept of perfect. i believe in growth and always striving to do better when i know better.
33. i'm no longer interested in your fakeness because i am showing up as your sister / friend to support you and to have your back.
34. at 38, i crave deep - nourished relationships with like minded women.
35. jealousy / gossip / competitiveness /---> they do not fit into that equation.
36. and that is why i have very few friends.
37. because if 38 has taught be anything it is that
38. i don't have time to bullshit around. this life is real, it is lush, it is precious, it is short - with bumps, and shit, and problems mixed in - but still, for me @ 38 life is fucking beautiful.
you are no better than i - i am no better than you
we are equals
this is my blog - and these words are a part of my story.
my intention in sharing so openly is because
i want to be more honest & forthcoming with myself
and in my writing.
this year is going to be a huge one
in terms of the changes i'm making in my life.
there is no self help book, no e-course, no advice
that can teach me what i already know...
that the answers have always been