disclaimer: this post may produce a few eye rolls & cringes. (and now I know I have your attention). there are a barrage of 'fucks' about to be released with a dash of my opinions on aging & intimacy after 35, etc. i am going there. you've been forewarned. turn away now before your eyeballs burn out of your head.
I'm in decent place in my life at the moment, having worked through a lot of my shit - my issues - and my insecurities (many still hover in the background). This is work that never ends.
38
In October I turned 38. My birthday fell in between the Squam come down high and the preparations for Hurricane Sandy. I didn't celebrate (except for the pet fundraiser I attended that my best friend had organized).
To tell the truth, I wasn't even in the mood for celebrating because I was (and still am) grieving my mom and trying to get through my first birthday without her.
38 is shaping up to be one hell of a great year and I want to celebrate it BIG. There are a few adventures on the agenda, and I will share them as they happen, but today...
Today I want to share what I know to be true about myself after 38 years of living. There was this cute meme on instagram "list 5 random things about you" that I wanted to do but never got around to. Lists are good. They are organized and neat and streamlined in a way that makes sense to me. Here are 38 things I know about me at 38.
1. i am more comfortable in my skin than ever before, and that is because
2. i choose to no longer give a fuck what anybody thinks about my looks - or the clothes i choose to wear - or my luscious and rolly curves
3. because at 38, i will no longer give another ounce of attention to my 'flaws'
4. what are 'flaws' anyway other than our own biased negative views of ourselvess
5. and the beauty in that is - at 38, i finally *get* that i can choose the things i spend my energy thinking and obsessing over
6. so i choose not to care what people think - or if i measure up (to who?).
7. at 38, i can look into the mirror - and not turn away. i'm happy with who is reflected back even with that chicken pox scar on my forehead and that bothersome bump on my nose. i'm happy with me.
8. i can look myself in the eye and believe this: and so it is.
9. and while i believe in modesty, i will never make excuses for the fact that at 38, i can afford to treat myself luxuriously - and i do so because it's a big part of my self care practices.
10. i left my home when i was 18 - and never looked back - and i struggled financially throughout my 20's.
11. so if the me in the mirror looks like she could use a little help around the eyes, you can bet your ass that
12. i will splurge on the best eye cream
13. or cosmetic dentistry
14. without coming from a place of vanity or not enoughness but because
15. at 38, if it makes me happy, i'm treating myself, period.
16. i'm the first child to my parents, so getting here was not easy. i care took and fixed everyone else's problems for a long, long time.
17. in doing so, i neglected myself - until a few years ago.
18. feeling this way and knowing these truths brings up a feeling of liberation, one i have never experienced before.
19. at 38, i am a better mother - sister - friend - lover
20. i am confident enough to make love in the sunlight - in fact i prefer it that way.
21. at 38, i'm tired by 9pm and in bed by 10 so my boo and i have morning dates once the kid is off to school.
22. was that t.m.i? i'm sorry - you were warned!
23. at 38, i'm comfortable talking about sex openly
24. especially with my friends. another huge personal awakening at 38?
25. having my noni waxed for the first time.
26. don't cringe... it's amazing.
27. at 38, i have more empathy and compassion for the human race as a whole
28. and sometimes my heart hurts so badly that i cry for other people's pain and suffering.
29. at 38, i still haven't figured out what i can do to contribute a cause that could help
30. but i am actively working on that.
31. because at 38, i am far from what people might perceive as *perfect*.
32. i no longer believe in the concept of perfect. i believe in growth and always striving to do better when i know better.
33. i'm no longer interested in your fakeness because i am showing up as your sister / friend to support you and to have your back.
34. at 38, i crave deep - nourished relationships with like minded women.
35. jealousy / gossip / competitiveness /---> they do not fit into that equation.
36. and that is why i have very few friends.
37. because if 38 has taught be anything it is that
38. i don't have time to bullshit around. this life is real, it is lush, it is precious, it is short - with bumps, and shit, and problems mixed in - but still, for me @ 38 life is fucking beautiful.
you are no better than i - i am no better than you
we are equals
this is my blog - and these words are a part of my story.
my intention in sharing so openly is because
i want to be more honest & forthcoming with myself
and in my writing.
this year is going to be a huge one
in terms of the changes i'm making in my life.
there is no self help book, no e-course, no advice
that can teach me what i already know...
that the answers have always been
within me.
I love this.
and you.
especially you.
38 looks (sounds, reads, is) damn good on you, babe.
All of this is, in a word, awesome.
Posted by: amy | 18 January 2013 at 04:05 PM
Whoo Hoo!!! Well, say that Sister!
Love it...especially sex in the sunlight and no more fake relationships!
xxO
Posted by: Gerri | 18 January 2013 at 05:28 PM
I can relate to every one of your 38 points. But unfortunately it took me 50 plus years so BRAVO to you for learning all of this so early in life!!!
Posted by: gotham girl | 18 January 2013 at 06:18 PM
AMEN...sister! Love it. Oh how those 30's rocked! But I'm here to tell you I'm rockin 62...omg can't believe I just wrote that but it is oh so true. It's not about the number. It's how you feel inside and out.. and I'm still feeling my late 30's. Great post and Happy Belated Birthday!!!
Angela Vular
Posted by: Angela Vular | 18 January 2013 at 09:01 PM
"luscious and rolly curves" ... you and i are going to get along, just fine. : )
i love all these words so deeply, you already mean the world to me girlfriend.
XOXO
Posted by: Christina | 18 January 2013 at 09:13 PM
Finallly!!! Yes Beautiful Bellz. Love, love love.
Bring it 38.
Posted by: Tina | 18 January 2013 at 09:38 PM
OMG...I love this. xoxo
Posted by: cat | 19 January 2013 at 08:19 AM
Amazing Bella! Life is what we make of it.
Posted by: Krista | 19 January 2013 at 08:40 AM
Not TMI at all. You go girl! I wish I could say I am as comfortable and happy with my body. You are beautiful!
Posted by: Celina | 19 January 2013 at 08:45 PM
I love this - I am going to be 38 in March and it made me smile, all of it!
When I reach my birthday milestone you have inspired me to write my own list.
Posted by: Melanie | 20 January 2013 at 09:09 AM
this is great. wise wise words.
happy 38.
Posted by: keishua | 21 January 2013 at 01:48 PM
thank you for sharing this! it was exactly what i needed today, especially #6 letting go of what others think
Posted by: Katie | 21 January 2013 at 04:17 PM
Not one eye roll while I was reading this....but I did grin through the whole thing. This is the year that I turn 40 and I wish I could say that I am as emotionally healthy about that fact as you are about turning 38....but not so much. Regardless, reading this was just a really good reminder that perhaps I need to work on that a bit and it made me smile big to hear where you are, because it is a damn good place....a healthy place in so many ways. You are fabulous Bella, truly. xoxo
Posted by: Jen | 21 January 2013 at 06:40 PM
HUGE SMILE at this! Love it!
Posted by: Marie | 22 January 2013 at 09:34 AM
I love you so much. and if i was actually, miracle of miracles, having sex, i would blog about it too ;-) xxxxxx
Posted by: Susannah Conway | 22 January 2013 at 09:38 AM
I love you. But you know that. But I'll just say it again in case you missed it. I LOVE YOU. I love this list. Yes to everything on it. You rock.
Posted by: arabella | 22 January 2013 at 12:07 PM
wow. i love this, bella...raw and honest and funny and deliberate. you...all these beautiful pieces of you...inspire.
38 is doing you right.
xo
Posted by: michelle gd | 22 January 2013 at 06:39 PM
Wow. This is beautiful, Bella. Happy belated b-day.You have so much to teach me at 50ish. Was thinking of displaying some new art in the hotel, maybe nudes? You and deb game for an interview? Just thinking
Posted by: patti | 25 January 2013 at 12:12 PM
came here via susannah's blog...wow, this post is pure awesomeness. this year i am turning 40 and i resonate with many things you have written here - but you have written it so well! may 38 be one of magic and truth for you. great blog!
Posted by: sperlygirl | 26 January 2013 at 12:46 PM
I love this! I have another 5 years before 38, but there is nothing here I disagree with.
Posted by: Ryan | 26 January 2013 at 04:17 PM
38. i don't have time to bullshit around. this life is real, it is lush, it is precious, it is short - with bumps, and shit, and problems mixed in - but still, for me @ 38 life is fucking beautiful.
I love this!!! Thank you, thank you and thank you.
Posted by: min | 26 January 2013 at 09:28 PM
WOW came here through a link. Bravo sister! I applaud you for reaching new heights. I wish some of what you mean can stay with me and I can mean it too. Peace!
Posted by: patricia | 27 January 2013 at 11:01 AM
well done, darling. well done. xx
Posted by: lisa | 27 January 2013 at 01:23 PM
I hope 38 is your best year yet! I'm the same age. :)
Posted by: Vanessa | 27 January 2013 at 06:32 PM
YES. YES. AND YES.
i found this so inspiring! i turn 37 this year and i would love to be able to write a list like this one day soon. high five!
Posted by: suzanne k | 27 January 2013 at 09:00 PM
So honored to have you and your no-bullshit friendship in my life.
Celebrating you always.
Posted by: Jen Lee | 02 February 2013 at 07:42 AM
this post totally rocks! you are amazing! and a damn awesome 38!!!
Posted by: Jennifer | 02 February 2013 at 08:22 AM