on a Sunday:

Hi again.

What I'm learning is that grief has not immobilized me. For the first week or two, it did. Totally and completely.

I don't remember much. Looking back, everything seems blurred - distorted - almost dreamlike.

There came what I could best describe as a finality when we finished clearing out my mother's apartment. We had 5 days to get that done. An entire apartment, an entire space of one person's belongings to pack up for donation / keepsake / trash.  That was tough but at the same time, it brought me some personal closure.

I remember the morning I woke up after my mom's apartment was cleared out. It was July 1st, a Sunday. As I stirred awake from my sleep, I opened my eyes and saw the sun glowing through the sheer white curtains.

I could have laid there all day because I was tired. My body was beyond exhausted mentally & physically. Zak had set the coffee to drip at 6:30 and I could smell it's intensity all the way in my bedroom. I wanted some of that sweet stuff so, I got up. I shuffled into the kitchen, poured myself a mug, and drank it standing at the window, looking at the forest behind my house.

That wasn't so bad, I thought. Getting up, walking to the kitchen, drinking a hot cup of joe - it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.

That Sunday was when I felt the finality of her passing. That my mother is no longer physically here, that there is no space we can call 'my mother's house', that all we have that remains are photos and our memories. 

The shock of her passing has worn away just a little and the actual acceptance of her death is slowly settling in. Day cycles and night cycles keep turning, and I stand here in the midst of life going on with a new truth: my mother is gone.

After moving slowly through that Sunday, I went to bed wondering how I could honor mom's journey, our relationship, our time together - while grieving her passing - but still live, honor, and go on with my own life?

I'll tell you something: my mother's final resting place is in a mausoleum. When we entered the building to say our final goodbye's, there was a butterfly fluttering around her casket.

When I was boxing up her apartment, I stepped out onto her balcony for fresh air, and a butterfly flew right by me.

Sitting out on the front lawn of her building, a butterfly came and landed right next to me.

Last weekend, I went to the beach with my friend who I shared the butterfly sightings with. After we set up our chairs & umbrella, a butterfly landed right by our feet and stayed there for a full minute.

My mother was a spiritual woman. I feel like she wants me to know that she's happy where she is - free as a butterfly - more peaceful and pain free than ever before. 

And I know that she would want for me to live my best life even while I'm grieving for her.

I knew by the end of that Sunday that I would get through this ok. That there is no right or wrong way to mourn or to live. I can only do what feels right - and for me, right now, I choose to sit with both extremes. I'm letting the sadness be there while I live the best life I possibly can.

Both the sadness and the joy I experience daily are intense, but I need to feel it all.

I have changed in ways I never expected by her passing. I know I am deeply loved. I know that life is fleeting and I want to l.i.v.e. mine as deeply and as meaningfully as I can.

Comments

[jen gray]

so beautiful Bella. thank you for sharing this. love you so.....

"I have changed in ways I never expected by her passing. I know I am deeply loved. I know that life is fleeting and I want to l.i.v.e. mine as deeply and as meaningfully as I can."

ditto...

[Veronica]

I wanted to hear your story. It made me cry just thinking about how much space in our lives one person fills. Thanks for sharing this.

[kristen]

we are stronger and more vulnerable than ever and i think this is our super power. i love you. xo

[Bev]

A butterfly, what a lovely way to comfort. I have experienced deer on two occasions and an eagle once as loved ones' means of communicating their continuing love.

This is so beautiful; thank you for sharing.

[Sam]

I have thought of you so often, dear Bella. I think you are honoring your mother in the way you live your life - both now and before. May you see many more butterflies in the days to come!

[Robin aka Gotham Girl]

Absolutely beautiful post Bella...you remain in my thoughts...

[amanda {the habit of being}]

heartbreaking and beautiful bella.
holding you in my thoughts. xo

[melissa]

Butterflies are definitely a sign. You will get through this, you are loved and know that your mother is with you...always. Thinking of you...xoxo

[Carole]

Bella, how magical that butterflies continue to surround you. Losing a beloved mother is one of the most difficult experiences in our lives. This is a really beautiful, honest, and soulful post. I believe you are honoring your mother in the best way possible: you are living a full and creatively wonderful life. I believe those butterflies are signs and miracles from your mother and you will carry her forever in your heart and memories.

My mother's six year anniversary is approaching next week. In the days and weeks after everyone was gone and the realization set in, I just remember looking up at the sky out my back door and thought, my mom taught me to find joy in living. It is a gift your mother gave you as well.

As always, you continue to remain in my thoughts Bella. xoxoxox

[urban muser]

bella, i am just now reading this and finding out about your mom. (i've been on a bit of a blog break lately). i am so sorry to hear about your loss. having lost my mom 18 years ago i know some of the pain and grief you are feeling. losing a mom is just so hard.

i have a similar experience with ladybugs as you did with the butterfly. i have been visited by a ladybug during some of my most difficult times and i am convinced it is my mom reaching out to tell me everything is going to be OK. hold on to those butterflies and take comfort in however they make you feel. my thoughts are with you. xo

[Leonie Wise]

This sharing brings a smile to my face. Sending you all the love in the world xxx

[Graciel]

how beautiful and true, all of it. you are a stunning soul, miss bella. and wiser than you know...

smooches, g

[Jen Lee]

Love to you, dear friend.

[michelle gd]

a bit of goosebumps. i love the butterflies in your world right now, love how you are living the sorrow and the joy, love that you know you are loved.
holding you in my heart...

[*michelle]

oh bella...beautiful advice for all of us about how to live....thank you beauty...love*m

[Thea]

Tears tears and more tears...my mother also visited me as a butterfly spirit...and it led me to naming my etsy store monarch...really guided me on my journey. I am with you sister...totally with you. love you.xoxoxo

[Jessi Zeuner]

That was such a beautiful reflection of a piece of your grieving journey. When my grandpa passed away I saw yellow butterflies all over that day. In the field, on flower pots, even imprinted in toilet paper! Its a great feeling to know that someone you love is FREE :)