My mother passed away last Wednesday. She was asleep when she slipped away from this world to the next. I am in the thick of a sadness I have never known. It's heavy. It's painful. It's like a mack truck sitting on my chest.
She is resting peacefully now, which comforts me because she had not known peace for a long, long time.
How am I doing? I can't lie... sometimes, it's hard to breathe. I'm tired because this is too exhausting to carry. And it is only the beginning.
I have a strong, loving, and wise set of girlfriends. And they love me so unconditionally. They have circled around me and let me fall into their arms.
Each of them said in one way or another that I should document this time with my camera and my writing. Right now, that's the last thing I want to be doing.
But. I know that I need to.
I have so much time on my hands. I'm slowly filling it by asking myself what I can handle.
I have to shower. I have to take care of my kid. I can do that.
I can read and lose myself in a book or bad tv.
What I really want to do is cook.
Cooking is my therapy, my go to calming ritual. For right now, I can buy the ingredients in a list and cook the meal according to the instructions. And that's what I've been doing. Rachel Ray magazine. Pick a few recipes. Buy the stuff. Cook the meal.
Coming here today feels ok. Writing here feels good.
I don't know when I'll be back but I will, when it feels right again.
This is a time for me to take things moment by moment. Hour by hour.
One foot in front of the other.