when you don't know what to do or how rachel ray is helping me:

hi.

My mother passed away last Wednesday. She was asleep when she slipped away from this world to the next. I am in the thick of a sadness I have never known. It's heavy. It's painful. It's like a mack truck sitting on my chest.

She is resting peacefully now, which comforts me because she had not known peace for a long, long time. 

How am I doing? I can't lie... sometimes, it's hard to breathe. I'm tired because this is too exhausting to carry. And it is only the beginning.

I have a strong, loving, and wise set of girlfriends. And they love me so unconditionally. They have circled around me and let me fall into their arms.

Each of them said in one way or another that I should document this time with my camera and my writing. Right now, that's the last thing I want to be doing.

But. I know that I need to.

I have so much time on my hands. I'm slowly filling it by asking myself what I can handle.

I have to shower. I have to take care of my kid. I can do that.

I can read and lose myself in a book or bad tv.

What I really want to do is cook.

Cooking is my therapy, my go to calming ritual. For right now, I can buy the ingredients in a list and cook the meal according to the instructions. And that's what I've been doing. Rachel Ray magazine. Pick a few recipes. Buy the stuff. Cook the meal.

Coming here today feels ok. Writing here feels good.

I don't know when I'll be back but I will, when it feels right again. 

This is a time for me to take things moment by moment. Hour by hour.

One foot in front of the other.

Comments

[Jenn]

Loving you, B.

[Robin aka Gotham Girl]

And we'll be waiting for you when you return...I know I will have to face this one day as well...and I know my experience will be similar. Know that you are in my thoughts.

[leen]

luv ya! & im always here

[Sassyangelac]

Just sitting here beside you in silence. Even writers know that silence often carries its own form of comfort.

[deb taylor]

Holy Crap. I get this. I get you.
One step at a time. Each triumph will feel like you are moving forward. Like a clean load of laundry. A good shower. Trying new recipes. A crappy movie diverted you, that's OK.
We will all be here. Embracing and accepting the silence.
Or noise. Or tears. Or anger.
It matters not.
We will be here.
Now go eat something fantastic, sip something delicious and watch another bad movie....be.with.it.all.

[Gerri]

Sending you much love...
Thank goodness for your circle of girlfriends to sustain you.
xxO

[Becca]

I think of you often, Bella, and know you will work your way through this. I’m glad you’ve found something that helps ease the pain a little bit :)

[michelle gd]

holding you close in my heart. xoxo

[melissa]

That really is the only way to move through grief...one foot in front of the other. Some days you take a step forward and the next its two steps back. Its a hard road and right now just breathe and do what you can, let people hold you up when they offer, let them take care of you. I can tell you that the pain lessens over time but right now I am sending you a big virtual hug. Much love to you my dear...xo

[Juana, gallery juana]

I know how you are feeling and I am so sorry that you've lost your Mother. I lost my Mom in February. Friends and Family told me how the grief would also take a toll on my health. I really had no idea what they meant until I experienced it and then googled. So I thought I'd give you those links that I found useful.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/bereavement_physical.shtml

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/2011/04/what_is_grief_really_like.html

You're right to take all the time you need and spend it the way you feel best.
hugs,
Juana

[Janet (march 01)]

Does it feel like you're walking in mud? That every step is exhaustingly hard to take and requires so much energy? It'll get better, I promise. Hugs, prayers, and love.

[Katrin]

Dear Bella,
I'm so sorry. My grandfather passed away like this: very quiet, in his sleep, during holidays. In a way, a wonderful way to leave this world, but of course it's hard for the ones who are left behind. All the best for you and your loved ones.

[Vanessa]

I'm so sorry for your loss Bella. I hope you find your way out of your grief soon. I can't imagine what it's like to loose the one who gave you life. hugs and prayers.

[Lorettaa]

Bella, I have just had a chance to catch up on blogs and am reading of your loss for the first time. My heart is encircling yours and will remain with you as you travel the long, unpredictable journey of grief. I am glad you have some solace in cooking. There is no right or wrong way to get through this, just your own individual way. Love to you, Loretta